Complete Randomness
by OncExUpoNxAxNightwisH
Summary: A completely random story I came up with about Wu at the battle of Hefei. Can't come up with a good summary, but read anyway please :D


**Well, this is a really weird and kinda pointless story that I came up with in the school holidays at about 3:00 in the morning when I couldn't fall asleep. So basically this story is the result of what happens when I write whilst I'm high on lack of sleep :P**

**I tried to make everything make sense, cause when I got around to reading it, a lot of it didn't make any sense and I had to add things in... So just tell me if there's anything that you don't understand and I'll try to fix it :)**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing (though it would be cool if I did :P)**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

One bright sunny day, when the birds were tweeting happily, the butterflies were fluttering peacefully and the screams of dying soldiers could be heard from the not so distant battlefield. Some Wu generals that go by the names of Lu Meng, Gan Ning, Ling Tong and Lu Xun were having a fairly pointless conversation.

"Come on Ning, hurry up! We have to get out to battle!" Meng yelled through Ning's tent door, flap, thingy.

"Yeah, yeah. Hold your horse's old man. I'm almost done." Ning replied from within the tent.

Whilst Meng was yelling in vain to try and get Ning to hurry up, Tong and Xun were sitting on some crates across from them.

"What the hell is he doing?" Tong groaned.

Xun just shrugged in reply, sighing.

"Well, whatever it is. He's taking a bloody long time. We should have left already!" Tong cried.

"Well, you could have gone on your own. You don't have to wait for him…Or, are you starting to like him?" Xun asked, turning to Tong.

Tong's eyes widened in shock at the boy's question.

"I-if you're im-implying tha-that I'm starting to like that…that man i-in a way that some crazy stupid fangirl dreams of…" Tong started, but was interrupted by Xun's laughter.

"Geeze Tong. If you react that way, then people are gonna start to think that you're hiding something and then start to think that you do _like _him." Xun teased (hey, even midget pyro boy needs to tease someone every now and then).

Tong was about to squawk in outrage, but, once again, was interrupted by a certain ex-pirate finally emerging from his tent.

"I'm ready. I just needed to fix my hair. It was starting to look like Xun's." Ning said.

Xun growled slightly and opened his mouth to protest, but was interrupted by a very angry Ling Tong.

"WHAT! Are you telling me that I've been sitting here for twenty minutes waiting for you too fix your freaken hair!" Tong yelled in outrage, glaring at Ning as he stood and marched over to Ning.

"Uh…yeah." Ning replied.

Tong made a strangled noise in his throat and looked just ready to strangle Ning, or pull his hair out… or both. If this was a cartoon, there'd be steam coming out of his ears and his eyes would be bulging out. He raised his arms, ready to kill Ning, but was pushed aside by Meng. Tong squeaked like a mouse as he fell to the ground with a thump, like an elephant. Actually not an elephant, that would better suited for the fat characters. Let's say a giraffe cause they're both tall and scrawny.

"Ning, you're supposed to be going with Tong to help Zhou Tai save Sun Quan from Zhang Liao!" Meng said.

"Well, you didn't have to wait for me ya idiots." Ning said, rolling his eyes.

"That's what I've been trying to tell them." Xun mumbled.

"Besides, I'm supposed to be the dumb one here, are you guys trying to put me out of a job?" Ning asked, not hearing Xun.

"Hey! Don't insult yourself! That's my job!" Ton said, standing up and dusting himself off. He would have stand up earlier, but he was too busy glaring up at Meng.

"Well if you're taking over my job of been the dumb one in Wu, then I'll take over the job of insulting Gan Ning." Ning said, crossing his arms.

The others gave him blank looks, why the hell would you insult yourself.

"Never mind Tong, he's still the dumb one." Xun said, gesturing at Ning.

Ning looked over at Xun, finally noticing him.

"Wait a minute… This is Hefei… What are you doin' here?" Ning asked.

Xun opened his mouth to reply, but stopped. Remembering why he was there in the first place.

_Xun was wandering through the corridors of Jian Ye castle, wishing that he was at the battle of Hefei with the rest of his friends. Rather than stuck here. He could be helping Meng plan strategies to help them win the battle! But nooo, they left him behind to baby-sit Xiao Qiao, who wouldn't leave Quan alone since Zhou Yu died. So Quan left her in his care so that she wouldn't follow them to Hefei, get in the way and then need rescuing because she thought that she was the all powerful Xiao Qiao who could kill Wei all on her own. Not likely. So now he was walking through the castle 'attempting' to find Xiao, who had decided she wanted to play hide and seek. Why couldn't they have left her in Da's care? He turned another corner and ran into Huang Gai, since Xun is that much smaller than Gai; he crashed to the ground, whilst Gai barely moved from the impact. Looking down at Xun, Gai smiled._

"_There you are shortie, I've been looking for you!" Gai said, extending his hand to help Xun to his feet._

_Accepting his hand, Xun pulled himself to his feet and gave Gai a questioning look._

"_Really? You've been looking for me… Why?" _

"_Because, I have an important mission that I want you to do."_

_Xun's ears perked up at the sound of the words 'important mission'. Hopefully it will get him out of baby-sitting Xiao! _

"_What is this important mission?" _

"_Well, Lord Sun Quan has asked for me to make him some bombs for the battle."_

"_Bombs? Why does he need bombs?"_

"_I have no idea, he didn't say. Anyway, back to the important mission. I need you to deliver them to Sun Quan for me."_

"_So, you want me to go to Hefei to deliver bombs to our lord?"_

"_Yes."_

_Xun nodded, smiling, happy that he'd be able to get away from Jian Ye to where his friends were. His smiled faltered as soon as he realised something though._

"_What about Xiao?" He asked, praying that he wouldn't have to drag her along._

"_Don't you worry about her, I'll look after her." _

"_Alright, thank you Huang Gai." Xun said, bowing in respect to the older man._

"_Now, if you come with me, I'll take you to the bombs and you can be on your way." _

Remembering that, Xun wondered whether or not Gai ever found Xiao or if she was still in that same place waiting for him to find her. He hoped that she was smarter than that. He reopened his mouth to tell them why he was there, but then remembered another conversation he'd had with Huang Gai before he left.

"_Well, here are the bombs." Gai said, gesturing to the wooden boxes stacked in the corner of the small room. _

"_Alright, well I'll take them and be on my way." Xun said, walking up to them to start taking them to the cart. _

"_I'll help you." Gai said, taking another box._

_They walked through the castle in silence, carrying box after box to the cart, readying Xun for his journey. When they were done, and Xun had gotten some supplies for the journey, Xun hopped on his horse and took the reins._

"_Xun, before you go, there's something I have to tell you."_

"_What is it?"_

"_You can't tell anyone about this mission. Lord Sun Quan doesn't want anyone to know about the bombs until he's used them." _

"_Alright." _

Realising that he couldn't inform anyone about why he was here, decided that pretending that he didn't know, would be better. The others stood there, watching Xun open and close his mouth, looking like a fish. Before his face went sorta dreamy looking, as if he was remembering something.

"I have absolutely no idea." Xun finally answered. "Well I'll just head back to Jian Ye then, bye." Xun said, standing up and walking away.

The others stared after Xun, wondering why he didn't know why he was there. As Xun walked away, he realised that he should have just said that he was delivering supplies. He didn't have to say what type of supplies he was delivering, or he could have just lied, stupid Xun.

"And you guys call me the dumb one… Stop trying to steal my job!" Ning yelled, shaking his fist at them.

"And stop stealing my job of insulting you!" Tong yelled.

"I'd stop caring about those 'jobs' and start caring about your actual jobs if I were you." A new voice said.

Tong, Ning and Meng (yes he's still there) turned around to face their leader.

"Lord Sun Quan, you made it out alive." Meng said.

"Yeah, no thanks to you guys." Quan replied. "I had to jump the bridge and blow up that field all on my own."

"Wait, blow up a field?" Tong asked.

"Yeah, the place where Zhang Liao attacked me and knocked out the bridge, I blew it up." Quan said, smiling in triumph.

"Oh, good for you my lord." Tong said.

"Ah, where's Tai?" Meng asked, noticing the bodyguard's absence.

"In the field that I just blew up." Quan replied.

"Oh, so he's looking for survivors?" Meng asked.

"Nope, he was in there when I blew it up." Quan replied, still smiling.

The three generals stared at their lord, gobsmacked, mouths hanging open, letting all the flies and other bugs fly in.

"W-what?" Tong asked.

"D-did you k-kill Zhou Tai? Y-you're bod-yguard?" Meng asked.

"Yep." Quan replied, still smiling.

Though as soon as the fact that he blew up Zhou Tai finally hit him, his smile faltered.

"CRAP! AWW DAMN IT!" Quan cried, falling off his horse in a heap of tears. "Owww." Quan moaned.

The others stood there, watching their lord crying. Rolling around on the ground, moaning as tears poured down his face.

"You know, if the circumstances were different. I'd probably be laughing." Tong said.

"Just have him add in a long dramatic 'noo' and I'll start laughing." Ning said.

Tong and Meng looked at Ning in shock. All that could be heard was Quan's cries.

"Do you have a heart?" Meng asked, crossing his arms.

"I don't know…I think I sold it to the devil…" Ning answered, scratching the back of his head, wondering whether or not he had a heart.

"I think you mean your soul idiot." Tong said.

"What?" Ning asked, looking over at Tong.

"You sell your soul to the devil, not your heart." Tong explained, rolling his eyes.

"How do you know what I've been doing with my soul? Huh? Have you been stalking me?" Ning asked.

He stomped over to him and glared up at him. Tong, not intimidated by the shorter man, just rolled his eyes and pushed him away.

"What's wrong with Lord Sun Quan?" A gruff voice asked.

They jumped in surprise and turned to face none other than… Zhou Tai! Who had returned from the dead.

"AHH! ZOMBIE!" Ning screamed, running away.

The others watched him run off screaming, shaking their heads at his stupidity.

"Tai! You're alive!" Tong cried, hugging the ex-pirate bodyguard, crying his heart out. Tai struggled, trying to get the man off him.

"Geeze Tong, do you want crazy fangirls to start shipping you and Tai stories?" Ning asked, walking back over to the group.

Tong screamed and jumped away from Tai, wiping his body with his hands, trying to get rid of the Tai germs.

"Noo! I've already got enough with you!" Tong whined.

"Hey, don't feel so bad. I've got you, Xun and probably others. Don't feel so sorry for yourself." Ning said.

"I've got Xun too." Meng sighed.

"Quite a few people have been paired with the poor boy." Tai said.

"Leave me alone! It's not my fault I'm little and young looking!" Xun whined.

They all turned around to face Xun who was standing behind them. His arms crossed, head bowed and pouting.

"What are you still doing here? I thought you were going back to Jian Ye?" Tong asked.

"I thought that he was supposed to have been in Jian Ye this whole time." Tai said.

"Um, yeah…about that. Does anyone know what direction Jian Ye is in?" Xun asked, looking very sheepish, it's not his fault he lost the map.

"Aww, come on! You're supposed to be smart, I'm supposed to be the dumb one, sheesh!" Ning cried, raising his arms towards the sky dramatically.

Tong turned to Ning, glaring. "Stop insulting yourself, that's my-"

"Don't you two dare start that up again." Meng interrupted.

They stopped in mid bicker, looking down at their feet sheepishly.

"Anyway, why are you here? I don't remember seeing you on the journey?" Tong asked.

"Well, I guess I can actually tell you now…" Xun said, scratching the back of his head. "Wait, you actually knew, but didn't tell us?" Meng asked.

"Yes, Lord Sun Quan asked me to keep it a secret. I was delivering the bombs used to blow up the field." Xun answered.

"But, how come you don't know how to get back to Jian Ye if you only came from there not too long ago?" Tai asked.

"I…ah…I lost the map…" Xun said, bowing his head sheepishly.

"Wait, he's lying!" Ning suddenly declared, raising his arm dramatically.

"Um…no I'm not." Xun said.

"Yes you are. You just don't want to tell us what really happened!" Ning said, glaring at Xun.

"Ok then, how did I get here then Ning?" Xun asked, folding his arms.

"Well. When you were on your way here, delivering secret supplies. The bombs included, but other secret stuff that we're not allowed to know about!" Ning paused for dramatic effect, not that it really worked. Especially since the others rolled their eyes at him. Ning, not noticing the eye rolls he was receiving, continued his theory. "You were suddenly attacked by none other, then a dragon. Set on you by Shu! You pulled out your weapons and challenged the dragon to a duel. You said to it '_I challenge you sir dragon to duel!_' the dragon huffed at you in response, and began breathing fire at you. But since you're a pyromaniac, you used the fire to your advantage! Using your awesome pyro midget fury power, you, somehow, managed to throw the fire back at the dragon, burning it!" Ning paused again for dramatic effect. "The dragon angry at his loss and burns, decided to kidnap your true love!"

"I don't have a true love…" Xun interrupted.

"Don't interrupt me! Anyway, furious at the dragon, you grabbed your noble steed and chased after it, following the screams of your beloved. Eventually, you came upon an old castle, surrounded by a boiling pit of lava! You crossed the bridge and ran inside the castle to battle the dragon once more! Once you found the dragon, you challenged it to another duel, the dragon accepted again, eager to end your puny life! Your fight against the dragon eventually led you outside, to the lava. You battled against it, at the edge of the cliff, knowing that if you lost your footing, you would fall down into the fiery pit of lava and die! The dragon realising this, tried to push you off the edge. But you were smarter than that! You stepped to the side and the dragon fell into the fiery pit of lava instead and died! Once you saw the dragon hit the lava, you ran inside the castle in search of your true love!" Ning paused once again, trying to add dramatic effect. "Once you found her, you took her in your arms and said '_My love are you alright?_' '_I am, now that you're here_'." Ning said, putting on a high pitched voice, trying to sound like a girl. "Looking down at her, thankful that she was alive and safe, you realised just how beautiful she was and couldn't resist the urge to kiss her. Leaning down you kissed her, finally losing your kissing virginity! After your make-out session, you swept her up into you arms and carried her out of the castle and put her on your horse and rode away. Once you had returned her to her family, you continued your journey here to deliver the secret supplies, making it here just in time, the end." Ning said, finally finishing his weird story.

The others stood, staring blankly at him.

"What?" Tong asked.

Ning shrugged. "I don't know. It's just a theory."

"Which involves Xun fighting a dragon and rescuing a damsel in distress who happens to be his true love…right." Tong said, folding his arms and shaking his head.

"Well that's just Ning's 'logic'. Anyway we have to concentrate on getting Xun back to Jian Ye." Meng said.

"Wait, logic? Ning logic? He doesn't have logic, Ning having logic is like…is like…AHH! I can't think of a sarcastic witty remark!" Tong cried, pulling at his hair. "Oh no, I'm getting stupider, it's rubbing off! Hanging around Gan Ning is making me lose my smarts! I don't even think smarts is a word!" Tong screamed.

He began pacing up and down, pulling at his hair, before he started hyperventilating. Eventually he calmed down and turned to Xun. "Come on Xun, I'll take you back to Jian Ye." Tong said, before running off looking like a madman to try and get away from Ning.

Xun watched Tong run around the corner before waving to the others and running after him.

"Wait a minute." Ning said, the light bulb brightening on top of his head for the first time in years. "If me hanging around Tong makes Tong get dumber…then that means!" Ning started to say before stopping and trying to figure out exactly what he had supposedly figured out. "Wait here, I'll be back." Ning said before running off.

"Tai!" Quan cried, running up and hugging his bodyguard tightly. "You're alive!"

"Uh yeah." Tai said.

"I'm so, so, so, sooo sorry! I'll never try and blow you up ever again, I promise!"

"Ok…you're…forgiven…"Tai said, trying to break out of Quan's iron grip.

"So, where'd everybody go?" Quan asked after a while, finally letting go of Tai.

"We'll fill you in." Meng said.

_Five Hours Later_

"Where is he?" Quan groaned.

"I don't know." Meng groaned.

Suddenly Ning ran up to them, smiling like a little kid at Christmas time.

"I've figured it out!" He cried.

"Figured what out?" Tai asked sleepily.

"You know how tong said that him hanging out with me is making him dumb?" Ning asked, not waiting for a response he continued. "Well, I've figured out that if I keep hanging out with Tong then I'll make him an idiot! So, I'm gonna keep hanging out with him and make him dumber then me and Xiao!" Ning said, still smiling like a little kid at Christmas time.

"Wait, it took you five hours to figure that out?" Meng asked.

Ning nodded, still smiling like an idiot.

"It took us about, a second." Meng said.

Ning's smiled faltered as he began to frown.

"Yeah, well, shut up! Now where'd they go?" Ning asked.

"Back to Jian Ye." Meng answered, shaking his head. "But knowing Tong, he probably decided to detour and go someplace else. They could be anywhere." Meng yelled after Ning's retreating figure.

* * *

Tong and Xun were standing in the middle of a village with tiny people in flower and lollipop looking costumes who were dancing around them singing.

"Ding-dong the witch is dead. Which old witch? The wicked witch! Ding-dong the witch is dead, the wicked witch is dead!"

As they sung, they gestured at the woman in the black dress wearing black and white stripy socks and sparkly red shoes. Also, she was squashed by Xun's supply cart. Tong looked over at Xun and said.

"Xun, I don't think we're in China anymore."

Xun gave him a look and retorted. "Oh, you think?"

* * *

**If any reference to 'The Wizard of Oz' is complete crap, well you can't blame me cause I haven't seen the movie in years! **

**Well review and tell me what you think please :)**


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